2023 Diary Entries

I was gonna say "Sorry for the lack of updates," but then I remembered that it hasn't even been a month and I also make this website exclusively for myself, so I am actually not sorry. A lot has happened this month, though. For one, my emergency dentist appointment ended with me being scheduled for wisdom tooth removal, so that's happening on the 27th. I'm being fully sedated for it, thank God. I also got deep cleanings done and my teeth are all nice and clean and I have been very good about flossing because I am a BIG BOY who can do BIG BOY THINGS.

I also had all my midterms last week and the week before, and I did very good! I've gotten an A on all the ones that have been graded so far, and I probably will not get an A on the last one because it was an essay, but I am hopeful that I will get a B. I'm very happy with myself. :) I was also on the biggest fucking Stardew Valley kick for a couple weeks there, like every second of my free time was spent playing that game, but I'm basically out of that hyperfixation by now. Now my hobby of the week is reading! I've read like four books this week, and granted some of them were fairly short, but some of them were very long. I'll write reviews about them if I have the time. Right now I'm reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami because he is one of my favorite authors ever and this book is so good so far. I'm not very far in though I'm like 130 pages in and it's 600 pages long. It'll take me a bit to read.

I'll update this website... Eventually. I want to change the layout into something less variable so that the CSS doesn't looked fucked the moment I change anything. I was working on that a while ago and made decent progress but I haven't touched it in a couple weeks because I'm not that motivated to right now. I'm being zapped of all my energy by college because I'm taking 17 units which is a special kind of hell that's actually not that bad beyond leaving me tired AT ALL TIMES. I also want to make custom graphics for this site but I'm not that good at that and I'm easily frustrated so my attempts so far didn't go that well. Someday! Someday ...

Been having quite the FUCKING week, lads. My wisdom teeth have been growing in, and that had been fine for a long time, but I had set up an appointment for early February for the consultation for wisdom tooth removal surgery. My teeth, however, had other plans, and now I have an urgent dentist appointment tomorrow because I am in Pain and one of my wisdom teeth seems to be pressing against a fucking nerve, so every time I move my jaw it's like playing Russian roulette with my body on if I'm going to have a jolt of elevtricity zap through my face. (I am being a little dramatic, because I'm the littlest man.) So I hope that goes well tomorrow, but I'm pissy about this because I had to miss a lot of work from being too in pain to even talk, and so my paycheck's going to look like shit on TOP of me having to take the hit of paying for this dentist visit. I need to find some old man who's willing to send me $50 for literally nothing in return.

My week's been kind of fucked for other reasons, too, because my brain has decided to keep me permanently in Bite Mode for the past week, and I am not equipped to handle life like a normal fucking adult in Bite Mode. I have cried a lot and eaten very little. The latter is moreso because I cannot fucking afford to buy snackies in this economy, which is frankly very fucked up, because I want a strawberry fanta and a chocolate bar. And some sun chips!!! I've been on a sun chip kick.

I am rapidly approaching my college graduation. Granted, my graduating is still contingent on me passing every class I take during these next two quarters, because I am graduating by the skin of my fucking teeth. Like, my grades are fine, my GPA is a 3.1 or so, but I am just barely meeting the unit requirement.

Well, right after typing that I went to double check that I am, in fact, on track to graduate, and I just about had a mental breakdown because my transcript said I needed 4 more units than I thought I did. Thankfully, that's just because one of my classes from last quarter is temporarily marked as "Not Reported" for reasons beyond my control. Once I get that grade, I'll be exactly where I'm supposed to be (assuming I pass, but I'm pretty confident that I did well in that class). Crisis averted!

The point of me writing this, though, is because I'm having a crisis over how close graduation is. I've spent these last two years barely staying afloat, convinced I was going to drop out eventually. But, now graduation is so close, and I know I can do it. My GPA is high enough that I can do really poorly in my final classes and be totally fine, so long as I still pass. I honestly never envisioned myself making it through college, and I'm feeling proud of myself but also full of dread. I don't really know what I'm going to do after I graduate. I want to be an editor, and there's a job with my college I'm planning on applying for, but I don't really have a concrete plan otherwise.

I feel like I'm six months away from being thrust into adulthood, but I'm so far from prepared for that. There's no use in worrying myself sick over it, though, and I'm trying to enjoy my final quarters at this school.

Happy new year! I hope your 2023 is off to a good start. I'm having a crisis because it's officially the year I graduate, but I am excited for the new year. 2022 was a good year for me overall, despite a lot of really terrible things that happened. I'm hopeful that 2023 will be good too.

I've been working on this website a lot, and I'm making good progress! I'm finally really happy with how the home page looks. I just got done updating the layout for the blog page, and it's an improvement, but I'm still not that happy with it. I don't know what I want to do to make it look better. I'll probably leave it be for now and come back later. My winter break has been mostly good so far—I've actually loved sleeping on a mattress on the floor because it means my dog cuddles with me every night. And she wakes me up by licking my face only sometimes. A day or two ago I woke up to her standing on my face. It's fantastic, I've missed her so much. I go back to college this weekend, and I'm actually not looking forward to it. Only because it means leaving my dog. That's really it.

My resolution this year is to prioritize my happiness more. That's purposefully vague, because it doesn't matter to me how I go about it. I mainly want to be self destructive less often (which I already made good progress on in 2022!) and I want to stop pushing myself to the point of burnout over and over.

I also want to tolerate less bullshit. I fell out with an entire friend group in 2021, and I was really upset about it for a long time, but I've realized now how much better I feel without them. I finally have friends who I don't have to worry if they secretly hate me, or if they're talking about me behind my back. Getting rid of that friend group has made my anxiety less intense and my self-worth much higher. This is what made me realize that life is too short to tolerate bullshit. Nothing was more freeing than muting anything related to those friends/their online presences and never having to see them again. I can't believe I stayed with that group for years just because I was scared of losing my "only friends." Not everyone in that group sucked, but God, I'm so fucking glad I'm far, far away from them.

This entry is pretty nonsensical, but my head is pretty scattered today.